Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Scarlet glasses, trees, grass and sky

I usually make decisions pretty quickly, .... then second guess the decision to death.  The second guessing is such torture.  Why do I do that?

At the ophthalmologist's office, yielding to the need for reading glasses and resisting transitions or bifocals, I decided to get 2 pairs of glasses.  That's a big deal.  I usually wear a single pair of glasses until they are falling apart and all the coatings are peeling off.  A bigger deal still was my decision to get scarlet frames for distance and royal blue frames for reading and moving around the house.  This is after 20+ years of black, brown and titanium frames.  It took me 10 minutes to choose the frames and several days of asking my daughter Did you really think those red frames look ok? or asking myself  Red???   Isaiah looked at them and said They're flashy and my panicked response was What does that mean??

A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to look out my window and see trees, grass and sky, not brick and siding.  That meant moving a little out of the city so I'd find a Metro North train stop, drop a pin on the map at that location, and search for houses in the area.  4 weeks ago, we saw an old farm house in Yorktown Heights that's big enough for our family, with views of trees, grass and sky from almost every window, plus acres of woods.  I'd dreamed of having that amount of space to myself. I saw the house and liked it.  We signed the lease after getting permission to Jaedon-proof the house and yard.  It was a total of 2 weeks from seeing it to signing the lease and we only looked at 2 houses.  It was a quick decision.

Yet, I split my time between excited anticipation and trepidation.  The opportunities morph into challenges with the blink of an eye, and to convince me that I'm not quite all there, when I blink again, the challenge is gone.  It's a far cry from the Bronx.

I decided last week to register Jaedon in school in our new school district.  It was a very quick decision. It just felt right.  Before this, whenever I thought of Jay in school I felt nauseous (similar to how I feel when I think of getting a typical 9-5 job), yet something shifted, and it felt like a great idea, an opportunity.  Yesterday morning, I was doing my usual brain split between opportunity and challenge and in a second, I decided to stay with the opportunity.  As I gave Jay his breakfast, I told him about the new school, new friends, the new people who would love and play with him.  I decided the hold onto that firmly and not juggle it with the other panic laced thoughts that knock on the windows of my mind (will we get him in clothes to go to school?  Will he stay in clothes while at school?). And it felt good. It's good to anticipate and to celebrate and to hope and to enjoy, even when I don't know how things will turn out.

As I write, I'm figuring out some things about the crutch of second guessing.  I'll save those for another blog post.  Do you ever second guess your decisions even when you knew they were good decisions?  If you do, why do you?

I'm taking the lid off the celebrating and loving the smell of change.  I'm looking forward to the new space, even though I'm still not sure how all the packing will happen.  I'm anticipating new opportunities for Jaedon even though I don't exactly know what they are or how they are going to work out, and I'm really loving the scarlet glasses!

1 comment:

  1. Bravo, Faith!
    I used to second guess myself a lot. I'd make a decision, feel really good about it, and then slowly start to feel discomfort.

    Then I saw the Shawshank Redemption. The movie brought home a theme that made it clear how untrustworthy that discomfort could be. Convicts who'd been a long time in prison felt so much discomfort with the change that accompanied being released that they'd commit crimes just so they could be sent back to the comfort of the prison.

    The short of it is that I learned to pay absolutely zero attention to the discomfort, to assign it absolutely no meaning whatsoever. It's not even worth a little consideration.

    Eventually, the discomfort gave up.


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