Sunday, April 17, 2011

Four Years without Sex

I was sitting in a classroom full of women. One of the women was telling about a man with whom she feared having sex, a man she had just met. She told us that the reason she was fearful was that she had not had sex in three years.

I looked at her in disbelief. She was a good looking woman, around forty, slim, fit (without being overly fit) with long blond hair and a nice smile. She was intelligent and with a nice energy. How could she have spent three years without sex? Why would she be scared?

Looking back, knowing what I know today, I can see that she had plenty of reasons to be worried. I still don't know her reasons for not having had sex in three years. They might have included something about finding it hard to trust a man. If you are a woman and you do not trust a man, your vagina will tighten up and sex will be painfull. If you are a woman and you have not had a male character to trust, you might have built up a lot of male character in yourself. A woman with a lot of male character ends up being very controlling. A woman who is used to being in control will find it very scary to surrender that control. In good sex one of the partners must surrender.

At the time I didn't understand why having sex after not having had it for a long long time could be scary and could be painful, physically and psychologically. Now I do. After that day in the classroom I did not have sex for thee years, for me that made a total of four years and forty days.

I want to tell you about how it got to that point and about breaking the spell and getting out of it..

Four Years without Sex
I never planned not to have sex. I didn't think that I was scared of sex. I didn't feel scared of men, nor of women or wether or not I might be lesbian. Mostly, I longed for intimacy, verbal and physical.

My last relationship ended in physical abuse, but this wasn't my last sex. I soon met an interesting guy, the guy who would be the be my last sex partner in four years. I didn't consider him as being bad at sex, but I had the most terrible back pains that made sex a bit complicated and physically painful. So I didn't look for new adventures until spring came.

There is something about spring. The first sun, the cool fresh air. The flowers blooming. It's a time to flirt and date. So I did. We went on a romantic date in the forest. Holding hands, flirting, kissing. Being kissed by the first sun and by a handsome guy brought forth a lot of nice energy. All this energy made me think: now it's time to clean out - and I started to get a posttraumatic stress reaction from the abuse I had experienced with my ex.

Post traumatic stress reactions can vary. For me it ment trembling and crying for no reason. It lasted ten to twenty minutes, stopped and then it started again. I didn't experience any scary pictures flashing in my mind; it was all very physical. Fortunately, I had read about it and recognized what was going on, so I just relaxed, waiting for the body to finish.

I hadn't seen my previous experience as having been scary or traumatic, but they must have been, so much so that my brain wanted me to never experience it again. So for a while I kept away from anything that could have turned into a romance.

Being Alone
After a while I started to long for the love and caring that you can get from an intimate partner. The longing could be painful. It could feel as if my heart were being ripped apart. To avoid the pain, I tried to comfort myself. I learned to give myself what I most wanted to receive from others. As I learned to do this, people would see me and believe that I was doing great on my own.

But the longing never went away. A longing to be held. A longing to be touched. A longing too be seen and heard.

My longing was painful, particularly because I knew that no matter how much I tried, I could not fulfill it by myself.

Whenever I approached a man (or he approached me), my longing would take over and I would experience a kind of neediness. No one likes neediness. So my longing to be touched and held and heard and seen would end up scaring most good men away.

Breaking the Spell
I honestly didn't know how to break the spell. I watched myself finding it more and more difficult to connect with men. I found that I got more and more sensitive; it became easier and easier to feel rejected. I kind of gave up. At times I even thought "What if I've had sex for the last time in my life?" I even lost interest in my sex-toys. But I didn't give up all hope. I thought that there must be something I could do.

I decided to grow my feeling of love. I decided to become more feminine. I wasn't sure about the feminine part, so I started with the love.

My first step was to learn reiki. Reiki is a japenses healing. To heal is also to give love. I went to my first Reiki class, I liked it and wanted more. But I wasnt particularly fond of the teacher, so I looked for a new one. I found Padam, Padam Christos. He was Dutch but had lived in Denmark for a long time. On his web site, he told about his name, about his Reiki and about a Tantric teacher who had inspired him to propose to his girlfriend only two weeks after he thought the relationship was over.

His description of this tantric teacher inspired me. I needed a break from work. Maybe tantra could bring me more feminine energy, and maybe more feminine energy would bring me more men?

I signed up for the tantra training, levels 1 and 2 (even though level 2 sounded a bit daring). At level 2 they asked for a test for sexual transmitted diseases and that scared me. I did want to have sex, and it had been a loooooong time, but planing to have sex at the training? With a complete stranger?

The second thing that scared me was being asked to bring clothing that would help me dress up as a slut. A SLUT????

I ended up taking the test (just in case) and I went out shopping for a slutty dress. I brought different dresses (it took me a loooooooong time to find something), and as I look at them now, the clothing I brought with me wasn't very slutty.

Most of the training at level 1 was about gazing in each other's eyes and feeling the energy. In the breaks I soon tried to tune in to the energy of a single Dutch guy. We started to do more exersices together. He asked if he could sleep in my bed one night. We had sex.

The first time was okay. The second time was better. And then I got scared. My whole body got tense. He didn't interfere, he just kept a hand on my back and kept affirming me saying, "It's OK".

Thinking back, the sex couldn't have been that great for him. My vagina must have been really, really tense. But maybe he didn't know what good was, yet.

The sex wasn't enough to break the spell completely, but it was enough for me to know that I was afraid of sex because I was afraid that more fear would come up. So I started in a group doing soft tantric exercises to connect more deeply with people. Step by step, I started to open up, to become more feminine and more trusting, and then, magically, I started to meet men, to feel attracted, and to have sex.

I wonder how often we have things we don't do, obstacles that we can't overcome, until we break the magic spell.

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