Thursday, February 17, 2011

The One You Love Most

It's been one of those weeks.

It's been one of those weeks that kind of capped one of those years.

It all started last Friday morning. Between my day gig and my night gig, I was looking at about a month's worth of work and just six days in which to finish it. No problem. Roll up the sleeves and get started.

Working seventeen or eighteen hours a day and sleeping four is no problem, at least not for the first three or four days. However, around the end of day three, I start slipping a bit, missing things I'd normally catch, losing focus, etc.

By day four, I can't handle any interruptions without hitting my brain's reset button to figure out what exactly I was doing before the interruption.

By day five, my impenetrable bulwark of optimism starts exhibit stress fractures and I start to question whether or not I can do what I thought I could do.

By day six, I've substituted brute-force, exclusively-goal-focused, get-it-done-ness for elegantly-finessed, process-oriented, enjoy-the-ride-ness and by the end of the day I feel like my engine has been running all day at 100 miles an hour in first gear. There's been such a build-up of potential energy that my mind and body can't seem to contain it. It's one of those times where you best let the engine cool down before trying to open the radiator cap. Unfortunately, my indicators are often a bit slow to catch up with the state of my internal components. So, it's hard to tell from the outside just how hot things are inside.

The indicators are there and all; they're just not exactly where you would expect them to be. Or maybe they are.

You can tell when I've got way too much unspent energy because I start to be obsessively precise, detail-oriented and thread-conscious in conversation. Normally I do all those things tracking every thread of a conversation, every poorly constructed leap of logic, every unsubstantiated assumption and all the non-sequitured meandering that most folks call talking. Normally, I just keep that all to myself employing it only when someone asks, "Umm... so what were we talking about?" or "How did we get here?"

However, when I've got way too much unspent energy, well, I become completely intolerant of sloppy meandering. Actually, that's not it exactly. I become intolerant of sloppy meandering when people are applying helping me. Suddenly, I'm a surgeon running around with a scalpel looking for something to dissect and the poor person who is trying to be supportive, not seeing that it's the act of supporting that's become the target of my scalpel, tries to become even more supportive which in turn... well... it's what happens when you hold a microphone up to the speaker. Before you know it (trying to keep as many metaphors going as possible), he or she is reaching for the radiator cap.

That was last night. My would-be helper was my best friend and loving wife.

This Morning
This morning it's warm outside, more than forty degrees, and it feels like early spring. I slept til 7:30 and everything is different.

It's funny how small your perspective can get when you're overwhelmed by a build up of energy that has nowhere to go. I imagine that it's similar to the experience of a kid with autism who is overwhelmed by the sudden assault of sensory stimuli. He has this intense experience of discomfort that he can't explain, at least not in the moment, and all he wants to do is to make it stop. However, his attempts to do so are socially unacceptable to say the least and since he appears to be otherwise normal, they are deemed even less acceptable. Once the assault of the stimuli is quelled, perspective returns.

So, this morning I woke up in full beat-myself-up mode which, as we all know, is a highly productive expenditure of time and effort. Time to refocus. So, I decided to be express how lucky I am to be with the person in my life who loves me through it all and whom I love the most.

I'm not like most people. I daresay I'm not like nearly all people. I might even go so far as to say that I'm unique.

For example, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about having enough money or saving up for retirement or controlling spending. I just assume that we'll always have enough and that, if we need more, I'll go make it. It's not that we're rich (although I think people assume we are based on my attitude), it's just that I'm not concerned about it.

For many partners, my attitude towards money and finances in general could be a big problem, but not for Iris. She's good with it no matter what. Were we to make a lot of money and travel the world she'd be there. Were we to lose it all and need to start again, she'd be there. Whether it's first class or coach, whether it's the Four Seasons or a hostel, whether it's filet mignon or burgers and fries, she's there and she's happy. I can't begin to explain how wonderful that is for me.

I often work closely with women who are extremely intelligent and attractive, women of whom many partners would become jealous or about whom they'd become concerned. Some would express their concerns outright, some more subtly, but their concerns and jealousy would be there nonetheless and they'd likely become issues from time to time. Iris never does jealousy and it makes life so much easier.

I'm spontaneous, not spontaneous as in "Hey, let's go out for dinner", but spontaneous as in, "Hey, let's go buy a house today!" You can imagine that this kind of spontaneity could pose a challenge to some partners, but not to Iris. She jumps in with enthusiasm and energy that matches mine, and personal investment that often surpasses mine.

My interests are, umm, diverse. I love playing music. I love programming. I love mountain biking and snowboarding. I love writing. I have thousands of things I still want to learn how to do. Some partners try to contain their partner's interests to their own, some allow their partners time to 'do their own thing', but Iris joins me in my diverse pursuits. Sometime we spend romantic evenings sitting by the fire programming. We play music together. We write together. She's always up for new adventures and learning new things and she's wonderfully supportive of my trying anything I want to try.

And of course there's her being smart and beautiful and energetic and inquisitive and loving and open and sweet and caring.

So, this morning I thought I'd channel my unspent energy into writing about the one I love the most, how amazing she is to me, and how lucky I am to be with her.

Happy Thursday!


  1. I love you so much...... Let's hold hands and jump....! XXX

  2. Thx for sharing - love the two of you together.


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