Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Shades of Purple

Happy New Year! It has been a while since I last posted and my goodness.... the world has changed.

OK, I have changed and the world has come along with me on my jagged journey. Imagine for a moment being the owner of three homes and finding yourself homeless, or asking a child you thought may never talk to stop talking, or accepting gifts from people who have very little to give. It would be dishonest for me to say I embraced these experiences with open arms, overjoyed by the opportunity to grow and learn, and validate my belief that I can be happy no matter what the circumstances.

Truth is, I was completely stressed out, somewhat unproductive, and my family would agree... a sleep-deprived grouch. Then to top it all off, my amazing son (David) decided to label everyone an animal (Dad - sheep, Aly - bear, Tina - mouse) and decided to call me........ yes, you guessed it....... PIG. Now, even though pigs are highly social, intelligent animals and perhaps being called a wild bore (I mean boar) would have been worse, I still have a terribly negative response to being called a PIG. No matter how cute he says it or how sweet he is when he writes it with his tiny little finger on my back when I am walking by, calling mommy a PIG is simply not acceptable.

Knowing that one of David's special gifts is providing the exact stimulus we need at the exact time we need it, I began to explore the possibility that being a PIG was just perfect for me.

Truth is, I am fat. I know I am fat and self conscious about my weight simply by the fact that I typed, erased, and replaced the word fat five times in this post before I landed on the word fat (overweight, chubby, fluffy, could lose a few...).

Every time I think of the word fat, I flash back to high school when the boy of my dreams said "so what, your fat, why don't you just lose the weight?". I was crushed but the truth is, he was right then and is still right now! Although if he saw me today he might say, "your not as fat as you used to be". Funny how that feels a little better but the fact is, I am still fat.

So why exactly do I stay fat when I think I want to be thin? I know I am capable of being thin as I have been thin during different periods in my life. I have enough knowledge about calories, fats, carbs, gluten, amino acids, nutrients, metabolism, etc... to write a book. I used to say, "it's not a knowledge gap, it's an execution issue" but I can execute plans better than most so guess what, it's a belief issue.

I finally figured it out today as I was driving to work during an amazingly beautiful sunrise. There must have been a million shades of purple mixing together with white clouds and a blue backdrop. It was breathtaking and then I saw it. It was the biggest, most beautiful, purple PIG shaped cloud you have ever seen. I had so much fun reshaping the PIG in my mind into a beautiful fairy, a strong warrior, a funny face, a meadow of flowers, etc.

It dawned on me that I was creating my experience and the transformation of the PIG was beautiful. I realized then that I only see myself as fat or thin and that my issue is the transformation in between. It takes too long, clothes fit funny, I don't want to have to buy multiple sizes, etc., etc. I have lots of beliefs supporting my fatness so I decided to begin to change them one at a time. I am starting with believing in how much fun I will have giving clothes that don't fit away to people in need as I know how important they were to us when we lost everything in the fire.

I am so happy to be back online with all of you!

Love to all,

1 comment:

  1. Great to have you back. I remember changing my perspective on being fat while watching whales: I was jumping up and down shouting "wow" and "it's cute". Suddenly I realised that this animal was WAY bigger than anyone I had ever called FAT - and I called it CUTE.

    Somehow the word FAT just stopped making sense (as a judgement).




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