Sunday, January 23, 2011

Because you loved me

I am in a room where the sun is coming in from the windows in the roof and from the doors. I'm surrounded by twenty-five people - the youngest in his mid twenties, the oldest in her mid fifties. People are dancing - most are dancing with themselves. Everyone seems to be deeply connected with their heart, which is shown as a special depth in their eyes when you catch eye contact with them. Most of the people seem to be in deep, deep gratitude.

In one corner stand two men - they dressed in black, both are in their early forties. One is tall - with a shaved head, dark hair and very blue eyes. The other is smaller, very slim. His black and grey hair is in a small thin ponytail. Both men look very masculine - and yet one of them has a french manicure. They are both watching the people dancing. They are smiling and their eyes seem wet.

The men are Alex Vartman who is leading the New Tantra workshop and his assistant Matt Schwent. The song that we are dancing to is "Because you loved me" by Celine Dion.

Since November 2010 I have participated in three workshops with The New Tantra and over the next weeks I'll relate some of my experiences, learnings and insights.

Most people who talk about Tantra will talk about flows of energy, sharing of love, about connectedness. Many of these people would be surprised if they attended a workshop with The New Tantra which goes deep into your deepest longings - however dark they might be - goes deep into your physical armouring - and transforms it all into divine spiritual experiences.

When I listened to the words of Celine Dion, as I danced among people that I had come to know and love, I got in touch with some of my deepest longings: the longing to be loved unconditionally.

You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me; Lifted me up when I couldn't reach. You gave me faith 'coz you believed. I'm everything I am Because you loved me.

You cannot go to that place without love - and you cannot love without going deep into yourself and finding the love for the one who gave you the biggest gift of all: Life!!

But as I was dancing I became sad. To me the song reminded me of a deep and unfulfilled longing. I went to a place of not feeling good enough: it looked to me as if "everyone else" had had the experience of this big beautiful unconditional love.

At the end of the workshop I signed up for a personal session with Matt Schwent. Mostly he helps with dearmouring of the vagina, about how to enjoy pleasure, how to give etc. With me we had a talk about why I found it difficult to be in touch with my feminine self.

In a girl or a woman the feminine self is first created by mirroring her mum - and later by trying to make her dad be attracted to her (without him acting on it).

When I was with my mum there was a lot of pain - so I disconnected from her, and I was often jealous of the attention she got from my dad when she was crying.

When I was nine my parents got divorced. I was happy and looking forward to living with my dad. I dreamed of getting ALL his attention. And I did. Not in the way I had dreamed of but as someone who would be laying on my bed when I came back from school not moving until he got kissed. Someone who would stick his tongue in my mouth when he put me to bed.

I remember the weight of his body, remember how I tried to push him away - but I just wasn't strong enough. I remembered how he pretended that it was all just a funny game. But it was not fun. It was not fun to me.

In my session with Matt he worked on the tension in my belly and suddenly he asked me to call for my mum. My first inclination was to hit him, the next was to get away from him - get out of the room. Instead I looked into his eyes and trusted that he knew that it would be good for me. As I started to call for my mum I also started to shake and cry.

Never, never, ever had I known that in the moment I felt my dad's tongue in my mouth, I had a deep deep longing for my mum. For her to come and hold me, for her to care for me.

That's why I was sad when I heard Celine Dion sing:
I'm everything I am Because you loved me

I never trusted my mum's love - and I never truly appreciated that she gave birth to me. But that day I got in touch with the feeling inside which will always love my mum.

I believe that being in touch with a deep love an appreciation for my mum, seeing her as the divine goddess who gave birth to me - is what was needed for me to deeply feel love, give love, be love and make divine love.

with Love

Joy
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