Monday, October 25, 2010

On my own

I have just spend a great weekend - on my own. No work, no dinners, no people around. And I loved it!!!

Well I did do some laundry, a preparation for a teaching tomorrow, I did spend time on the phone, but I have the feeling that I got to spend a lot of time on me, relaxing, with "nothing to do".

Most people who knows me also know that I often get a feeling of loneliness - a feeling of missing close friends, missing people who wants to check in on me, people who wants to help me because they know that even if I might be capable of taking care of myself, I do love to receive love and help.

And to be honest: friday night I started out feeling lonely. I have had a few pretty intense weeks at work, and I had decided to "take the weekend oft" - and suddenly I felt the tiredness, the need for someone to take care of me. BUT I had promised myself onething:

Answering the questions
I wanted to take time to answer the questions The Clark Five wrote on thursday in Crystalize your vision BEFORE college.

I started with the second question:

Ask them if they found they had inherited $250M (or won the lottery)
but also were bound by a strange clause that insisted
the money be used in 5 years, what would they do?

The first thing comming to mind was: I wanna go traveling. I want to travel the world for a year. I will start going to India. I'll spend a month on retreats, meditation, enjoying the sun. Then I'll travel to the north, enjoy the mountains, the people... and then

As I got into details I realised I did not want to travel for a year. I wanted to go for 1-3 months - whatever it would take to find the calm and quiet place within. I wanted to be in India, because I know that in the mist of the people - I find it easy to be alone - to be me - to be me observing the world, to be me enjoying being me.

I realised that my desire for seeing the world, does not mean that I want to escape work. Instead of travelling for a year, I just wanted to be reloaded. I wanted to get back to work. With a lot of money I might insiste on becoming partner in the company and I started to get some ideas of which kind of people I wanted to bring in, which types of strategic analysis I would want to be carried out.

I put down the book I was using to take notes. I was surprised. Where did this come from? How come I didn't dream of bringing "Relate to Autism" to Denmark? why did I not dream of making my own company teaching and coaching people?

I guess that I'm really happy where I am. I am happy to "be back" in a carreer using my analytical skills, I love the people I work with. I do want changes - but I love the process of trying to make those changes happen.

So why do I want holidays? why did I want to go travelling? My eyes started to tear up. I just wanted peace. I wanted to be with ME.
I cancelled the appointment I had (except for one skype call), I started to look around in my appartment. I had a few boxes with stuff that I didn't find a place for last time I cleaned. I started to unpack some of the boxes.

Step by step, I realised how much time I've spend running towards the future. I've signed up for the gym because I want to be more fit and less stressed. I've spend time meditating to find peace, I've signed up for singles network and dating sides to look for a potential partner. I've been teaching mindfulness and happiness to learn to teach in case i would want to make that into a living one day. I've been working on chosing happiness in order to prevent future depressions.

With all those things - each of them individually: things that I do want, but in total it seems that I have often forgot to keep the space in my time planning "to just be me". Time to clean my appartment, time to put on make up, to do my nail - whatever. Time to sit in my favorite chair, look around and say: "This is my life".

Take my hand
I have a big love for hands - I love holding hands, but no I'm just watching it.

In my teaching for tommorrow I have chosen a simpel exercise in mindfulness. It is an exercise to grow your awareness and it doesn't acquire anything but your own hands and your two eyes.

Take your hand and start looking at it.

Look at the lines, the different colors, the shape. Look at your hand as if it was a precious art-object. Look at it from all angles.

Examine your fingers as if you were a baby, as if you were just experiencing what a hand it.

Pretend you are a stranger - you might be from outerspace - and you have never seen such thing as a hand. Move your fingers and follow each movement with facination - with surprise.

Spend at least 5 min with your hand.

You can do this excercise with anything, and often I choose a cup of coffee or something you can eat, but now I choose my hand because I wanted to be close to me. You can do it with your face in the mirror - some people start having tears running down their chicks when they are asked to look at their own face with no judgements - just observations.

Getting back to the questions
After getting used to the idea that what I most wanted in life was what I'm doing - just with a bit more attention to being me. I went on with the third question.

Ask them what they would do with the next 5 years
if they knew failure was impossible
and that they had ALL the money they wanted.

Had I got that question in high school, had I had anyone to help me work through my fears of failure - or fears of not reaching the goal - then I would have been persued a carreer as physitherapist for some high level atheletics.

Looking back at my wants at the age 18, my fears of not being good enough to reach the goal - I do not feel any regrets of not having tried. It's funny. My life would have been very different. I can hardly imagine what would have happend. Maybe I would never had had a depression, maybe I would have gotten married, maybe....

All these maybe's and yet no regrets...

What if it doesn't really matter which choises we makes? what if it only matters that we can be on our own - with our without anyone else.

1 comment:

  1. Joy, What a ride!

    You've got me thinking. Perhaps the source of all discontent is a sense of disconnectedness from self. It's not the obliteration of self that brings us happiness, but the resonance with self.

    And by self, I don't mean the mysterious, etched-in-stone, person-I-oughta-be self that so many are searching for, but instead, just that center frequency unique to each of us against which all other frequencies either resonate or disonate.

    Hmmm... I'm thinking...

    Thank you!


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