Tuesday, June 1, 2010

sink or swim

In my last post I wrote about the phrase: "My relationship with the issue IS the issue" as being a good reminder to check in to how I relate to an issue or challenge. In particular I mentioned the unexplained pain I have been having. Am I hating and fighting it or am I loving and embracing it? I set out to "establish a good relationship". I didn't know what "good" would look like but I knew I would know when it was good because I would feel better or at least some relief.


A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was aching all over and I was crying. It didn't feel like I was even in water or that I was swimming but I clearly remember deciding to stop swimming. I realized I was in the river beside my house. I looked up and could see the trees and the sky. I didn't know how to stop doing something that I didn't know I was doing but soon after I had the thought to stop swimming, something felt different.

Water coming around me in all directions--I was SINKING! I kept sinking, slowly and never got to the bottom of the river. I wasn't afraid. It is difficult to describe what I felt because "I" it seemed, was simply falling away. Instead of starting to swim again, to "save" myself, I surrendered completely into the stillness being offered. Doing nothing. And there was nothing. Peace and calm are the closest words to describe it. Through the water I could still see the trees, but now they were part of the nothing. I felt really OK to die. In this sacred space of allowance, I became clear that it was a transmutation I was undergoing so that I could thrive in new surroundings.
And then I woke up.
An Old Friend Stopping By
When I experience pain, I go to a place of allowance, like in my dream. So instead of hating that I still feel afraid, frustrated, and hopeless, I just let these feelings be. Opening myself to being moved, like when watching a movie, letting my emotions unfold. Sometimes they simply float away and I see my pain as if it was an old friend stopping by. Other times, I fall asleep and begin dreaming again. I guess when you are no longer afraid to sink, the belief in "sink or swim" doesn't carry much weight anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing, dreams are so facinating


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