Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I Really Want It... Right?

Let me tell you that I haven't had a partner for several years. Over the last year, I haven't even had a real date. And yet, on several occasions I've said that I wanted to date.

Remember in my earlier article(s) where I said that I wanted to find a new partner? I decided that before I would search for a new partner, I first wanted to get rid of my back pain. Who wants a partner with back pain?

In order to get rid of my back pain, I spent time on physical treatments and I did dialogues to address whatever psychological reasons I might have for holding on to the pain and tension. My back pain disappeared.

So, I joined dating sites and singles clubs hoping to meet someone interesting, but I soon gave up, thinking, "I don't seem to attract the right kind of person. I better make some changes in me first. I want to find a healthy and energized man, and such a person will be more interested in me when I am also highly energized."

So, I started running again. I kept telling myself that getting fit was the best next step in finding a partner. To be honest, if running could bring me any closer to finding a partner, it would probably have been wiser to join a running club, rather than run on my own or with a girlfriend! In a running club, there might have been social gatherings or other activities where I might have met my next partner in a relaxed social setting. Duh!

Next, I decided that it would be wise to get back on my old career track. Working as a handicap aid with special needs children and as a part-time schoolteacher didn't provide a lifestyle that attracted lots of men into my life. I often worked early mornings, which made it difficult to not be exhausted at night and unlikely for me to go out in the evening. Also, most of the new people through my work were in trouble and struggling. After work, I really didn't want to talk to anyone new.

So, I got back into a job where I could use my analytical skills. I started with a job in the financial sector and I can tell you, most men in the financial sector seem to either get married at eighteen (and stay married) or they are extremely boring...

Then I moved onto direct marketing and data management. The men working in data management are slightly more extroverted than Finnish people! If you do not know any Finnish people, I can tell you that an introverted Finnish person will look at his shoes while talking to you and an extroverted Finnish person will look at your shoes while talking to you! These people do have an excellent sense of humor, but...

Ok, let's move to the direct marketing people; they are outgoing, love sports, love fast thinking, and quickly I realized that they are so into fast thinking that it might never occur to them to stop and reflect on themselves and their behaviors. Not exactly self aware.

Lately I've gone out dancing. I've actually met a few men who showed proved interesting. Unfortunately for them (for me?), I just rediscovered dancing. So, while dancing I am not really taking time to connect with the men around me!

Last year I decided that the way to find a new partner would be to love bigger! In my interactions with people, especially with my friends, I've been doing that and I like it. Still, at times, I wonder, "Loving the family I am volunteering with, loving my nieces or my girlfriend and her family, how exactly is that taking me anywhere?"

The other day I decided to spend my weekly dialogue session on the question: how do I find a partner or a lover.

It wasn't the first time I had this thought, and you probably can guess what happened... I started out with: I want to explore how to create a love-relationship. However, before I explore that, I want take a moment to look at this conflict two friends are having and why I got so upset about it.

Need to say that I never got back to the first subject?

While writing this article, I thought about asking: who wants to go on a date with me? Or, who will set me up with a friend?

But honestly: as much as I like a long distance relationships, I still think that going on dates in the area I live (or at least in the same time zone) would be more beneficial.

My intention for this article is not really to get a date - even if it would be nice - but to describe an example of how we sometimes proclaim to have a goal -- and to have a clear intention on reaching that goal -- and yet we do a lot of things to stay away from it. We make up ideas of things that are more important in order to go for our goals, instead of seeing them for what they really are: distractions!

I do love my lack of pains and my fantastic job and great colleagues. Now maybe I can take the time to figure out why I have been staying away from creating a real love-relationship!

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