Friday, April 16, 2010

For Faith

Faith wrote a blog yesterday that inspired my mind to think about lots of different things. And instead of putting in a comment, I thought it might be fun just to write a response in a blog article. So this one is especially for you, Faith!

I might run out of time halfway, but hey I will just start and see where it brings me!

My waterfall
I remember the time where I was not able to express myself clearly to others. I used to keep everything in my head and I would not let the stream of thoughts come out often. When it would come out it would be a lot and very fast, confusing the people around me! Like a waterfall my thoughts would spout into the depths, and then the waterfall would dry up again and it would get really, really quiet.

Then I learned that my judgments were the reason that the waterfall would stop flowing. Every time I was judging my judgments the waterfall would dry up. I believed judgments were really, really, really bad! They were so bad that I would deny that I had judgments at all, and I actively would avoid expressing judgments which would block the stream of words coming from the waterfall.

"You are a nice person, you are an amazing woman, you are a big complainer, you stink, that place is beautiful, that place is horrible, those people are smart, I am stupid, you are difficult, he doesn’t think, that is a bad thing to do" where thoughts I actively suppressed.

Looking back it is so easy to understand why I did this. I was judging people who did express these kind of thoughts (even if I agreed with them) and because I wanted to be different then them, I decided to stow these thoughts away under the soil. And if I said things like that myself, I would actively judge myself too.

I think that one of the reasons for judging my judgments was, that I got confused about when judgments seemed to be appropriate and when not. If you have ever been in a group of women, you know the double messages. They see an unknown woman walk by and comment on how the person looks and how she acts. This judging seems appropriate. But then, when two friends do the same about a third friend, this is inappropriate and can create a drama that will last for a long time!

I also felt disappointed by judgments others seem to put onto me while raised in a family where alcohol and other challenges were part of daily life. I wanted support and I got judgment and started to see judgments as BAD!

Expectations - Disappointment
If expectations are met, we are happy, if the expectations are not met we are disappointed.

Grateful I am for the lesson that I got growing up: Fulfillment of expectations by others does not say anything about their love for you or your love for them. I know my parents love me deeply, and I love them deeply, but we for sure have not fulfilled the expectations we have from each other.

I did lots of frustration growing up about all the expectations that didn't get met. My parents who were not there to trust upon when I thought they should be there, my friends who were not my friends because they didn't support me at the moments I did expect them to be there. My lovers who didn't grow into the relationship in the way I had expected to.

Over time I learned that you can love someone and someone can love you, but that what you will get from that love relationship, might not ever meet your expectations. Especially, when you do not tell the person about your expectations, the change big you do not get what you want!

I want to write so much more, but in five minutes I have to run out to go to the playroom, so I have to somehow create a quick finish here:

Nowadays I see myself more as a river with a waterfall. The relationships I create are like animals drinking from my river, the land touching my river, and other rivers flowing around where our paths may cross. Some contacts small and quick, others solid like rock and last for a long time. All have an impact on my life. I don’t know what the animals, the land or the rivers expect from me, and they do not know what I expect from them, except when our waterfalls meet and we talk. At these moments our streams may run together, or go again different ways, and all is fine!

Love is acceptance of what's there, not of what will come or has been.

2 comments:

  1. and why they came or were delivered to 'my river' I accept, based on my belief, that all of it, everything, is happening for a go(o)dly purpose. For me, learning and embracing my freedom of what I 'dream,' make-up meaning wise, is a choice everyone has. I choose to accept that too. The choosing to 'see' and to accept value from all relationships, animate or inanimate, is a huge determinate factor towards the flavor of each and every relationship. bw

    (thanks for the stimulation)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love the river with the waterfall! I'll add it to my picture.

    ReplyDelete

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