Sunday, November 1, 2009

When comfort isn't 'working'

Yeah, so what to do when comfort isn't 'working'? I remember one of my teachers saying something like: nothing is worth mortgaging your comfort for. It is so tempting for me to get myself uncomfortable as I write this damm blog! Hmmm....yes, I AM a tad UNCOMFORTABLE...and yet as I write that, I laugh, the discomfort vanishes....interesting!

Now, (a few moments later), I'm aware I'm struggling again. I'm not finding it easy to grab hold of any specific idea or topic long enough to write about it. All day yesterday I intended to write my blog entry with ease, in a relaxed way. I could think of no clear ideas. That was fine with me. I did other things, I went for a walk, cooked, and felt relaxed. It got late. I started racing my thoughts and still am doing so now in the morning. It feels like this racing type of thinking is happening to me but I know that is not true because when I choose to focus on my body and breath I have no racing thoughts.

I ask myself: why am I racing my thoughts? I get myself more uncomfortable with this question...yep, I've jumped onto a spiral of discomfort, obsessively questioning my everything....why would I do that? Why do I make it hard for myself? Why can't I think of a topic? Why do I believe I can't think of a topic? Why don't I want to think of a topic?

I think this is officially called tormentoring!

I've been a tension addict for many years. The past year and a half I have become aware of this. I hold a lot of tension in my body, particularly when doing "heady" type of tasks such as writing or entering data into a computer.

Holding my muscles tight is a physical way I pressure myself to literally 'squish' out my ideas. This is one way tension has been useful to me. I wonder is there any 'truth' to this...does tension physically help me express myself? It really seems that sometimes I can not express my ideas clearly without doing tension somewhere along the way. It seems equivalent to a person who can not see well putting on glasses and being able to see better.

I don't always have to 'squish' my ideas out but right now and lately I haven't felt like writing. I made a commitment to do so and I value honoring this commitment. So, I am making the best of it by exploring what is coming up for me as I write even though I don't feel like it. It's a challenge I'm making worthwhile by learning from it as I write.

My struggle and tension as I write are coming from fear of stepping out of my usual ways. The structure I feel most comfortable with when I write is to think of a topic and then develop a sense of the beginning, middle and end before I start. In this case, I'm not doing it that way. I don't know what this will end up like. I'm currently also realizing a deeper fear coming up about being real and sharing myself in the moment AS I unfold. My usual theme is to share my issue afterward, once I have it all figured out. It seems more safe that way.

I actually wanted to write about this (how much I struggle sometimes to get my thoughts out) the first time I wrote on this blog but I couldn't get the words out the way I wanted to. I wasn't ready t share it. I'm excited that I'm ready now! I don't have to wait until I'm finished struggling, until I have a beginning, middle and ending!

I see how just the opposite can be really helpful. I felt so personally touched reading the most recent blogs of Kathy, Paul, and Iris, and those of Mark when they write real, raw and in the moment of their struggles and joys. This is so revealing. I feel I know them so much more and it feels more safe to open myself more too. This is RELATING at its DEEPEST! I remember living with Rita and having some of the most amazing WOW moments of my life when we would (what felt like to me) stop time by getting real, going into the moment; sharing the tiny details of specific thoughts and different perspectives on the exact same events.

"Tension is who you think you should be; relaxation is who you are"
~ Chinese Proverb

My INTENTION regarding tension (and fear) is to be and express myself, as I AM. After reading this blog over, it doesn't seem scary or even revealing...but it was a BIG deal while I was writing it and I was quite tense nearly the whole time. INTERESTING!!! Thank you!

1 comment:

  1. Hi sweet lady! Cool to see how you show yourself. I believe we all have moments in which we are more clear, and others in which we have no clue what to do next! And believe it or not...We always get through them!
    This reminds me: I would love to read your view point about your amazing learning experiences during your outreach a week ago...


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