Monday, October 26, 2009

Simply Confused

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up and wonder "how did I ever get here?".

This past week has been one of those days or should I say, seven of those days. After my exercise in judgements where I realized I still judge the heck out of everything, I began judging my judging. Real productive huh?

Then I began feeling sorry for myself and generated a large list of things I am tired of. I realized that this list contained most things in my life. So why exactly am I living a life that I am tired of?

This is where the confusion set in. Since I believe that we always do what we want to do, I must want to be doing all of the things I am doing. If I am doing what I want to do, why am I tired of most of it?

My first thought was that I do everything for others. Aha! The victim. Yup, that is me.

The martyr. Aha! Yup, me too.

As I went down this road of self pitty for a while, I realized that I so highly value what other people think of me that I end up doing things/being things that I think will be valued by other people and somewhere in that craziness, I lose myself.

OK, I don't lose myself; I simply become such a fraud, I that I don't even recognize myself anymore.

So now, I am simply confused. I am not quite sure who I am anymore. I am not even sure who I want to be.

The good news is that I know I will be whatever I want to be and I also know that I am in full control of who I am.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Kathy,
    This is a really sweet and wonderful blog.

    Back when I spent my life in the corporate world, a lot of the execs I knew would go through a similar set of emotions, or at least they would describe themselves similarly.

    Oftentimes, the solution was a new Porsche or the like. Of course, those solutions were fairly short-lived leading to other distractions, etc.

    It's so cool that you have the insights that you have and the sense of ownership that you have regarding your situation and your choices.

    I know that we're pretty much always doing exactly what we want to do, by definition. In this case, though, it seems that your "want" is to satisfy the wants, needs and expectations of others.

    What wants would you have if you simply ignored the "satisfy others" wants? Who would you be if you had a clean slate?

    Perhaps having a clear idea of that independent of your current situation would give you a place to stand as you reconcile all the wants of others with your own.

    Love, Teflon


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