Thursday, September 24, 2009

I'm just wondering

I'm just wondering... Wondering about friendship, closeness and how I define a friendship.

People who know me (lots of you have done programs with me over the last few years) might remember that one of my reccuring issues has been that "I have no friends".

I believe this to be true and not to be true!

I do have friends. I have many friends. I have all kinds of friends.
This week I got a call from a friend I hadn't spoken to in two years, and we just picked up the connection so easily. But, I have known her for 25 years...

Did you read "but..."? Did you know that a sentence beginning with "but" is often a negation of the preceding part of the sentence?

I wanted to say:
But at times I can spend a week without getting a single hug. This is something I regret - AND this is not true: since I started to volunteer in a play-room I know that at least I’ll get hugs on Saturdays - in the playroom.

My next upcoming thought is: I don't have people to talk to. People who'll listen, people who are close... This is not really true either! On my way from work or when I get home and start walking the dog I'll often call someone. Call someone with whom I can share what has happened at work, or what I expect will happen soon. Just someone to share my everyday thoughts. And seeing that during the day I share my thoughts with my colleagues, why do I tend to not take this into consideration when I say that I do not have people to talk to?

I want to have someone who lives close, someone who can join me running, who'll drop by for a cup of coffee. I do have someone close who'll run with me. Even if it's me picking her up and not the other way around. Recently I have started to talk to one of the neighbors and it seems that we have alot in common.

But what I really want is having someone at home or next door with whom I can share my thoughts. Someone who'll understand me, know me and still questioning my thoughts. In other words: I really want to have a person near by who shares similar philosophy of happiness related beliefs.

I do have some same-minded people near - one lives 2 kilometers away, several live in my country and are never more than a phone call away, even others are living further away but they might available on Skype or Facebook just at the same time as me.

So, why is it that I am asking for more friends when I have the most wonderful loving people never more than a few clicks away?

Over the last few months this has happened several times: when I feel in need, there is always someone online. They might not always call me and ask me how I'm doing, but there is always someone near, ready to listen or ready to make an appointment soon.

So, why does it seem to be more valuable to me when someone calls me? That someone guesses that I want a hug or a question? And why do I seem to make physical closeness more valuable than the close connection with equal minded people?
Why does it seem to be more important to have people who "pick up" on how I feel and ask me questions when I didn't ask for questions, who hug me when I didn't ask for a hug etc. etc.?

I'm just wondering...

What does it mean when I say I "want friends" or when I say "I want to be part of a community"?


  1. Awesome Joy. Your being a certified Option Mentor, you share a number of fascinating beginnings. Can you share some of your successful self-dialoguing trips on these notions? --hugfully, BW

  2. Hi BW,

    I'll do so in my next bolg.

    I'm often focusing on things I want to change rather than dwelling on the succes I've had. - and I am also blowing up the issues to make is clearer for me.

    I used to use dialogues to get over depression and to get through post traumatic stress and physical pains.

    I uses dialogues questions everyday in day to day situations, but the questions are not the greatest gift from getting certified. To me the greatest gift was learning to be non-judgemental, present and loving. And the first step to this is a very high selfawareness and a deep understanding of what it means that you are yourown best expert and so is everyone else. - so there are no need to fix other people. I keep focusing on what I want to change in me and what makes me happy. Along the way I do help others, when they want the help or by setting an example.



  3. Thank you Joy... Stating the greatest gift was "learning to be non-judgemental, present and loving." (as if you have and are,) is curious when the opening is "I'm often focusing on things I want to change" (as in not loving?) rather than dwelling on the succes I've had. - and I am also blowing up the issues to make it clearer for me" Is it just me? to sense incongruity above?


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